RCC Honors History Project

7 Easy Steps To Becoming A Professional Couch Potato

Posted by mcelynrh on May 20, 2009

by Sera Janakowski

Many of us these days aren’t as active as we might like to be, or maybe we’re just not as active as others would like us to be. So let me start off by saying this: If you are wishing you were more active, LEAVE NOW!!! This article is not for you. Get up and get moving because this article is only for those whose sole ambitions in life are to eat, sleep, and lounge around the house listening to music, watching the tube, playing games and/or clicking their computer mice. All you health nuts, RUN!! RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!! =D

Still here? Well then, go get something to drink, something to eat and change into something comfy. Then settle in and I’ll show you how to really veg out. Get going and take as long as you like. This is couch potato territory and this article will still be here no matter how slow you go. See you when you get back!

Back already? Wow! Maybe you should have gone with the health nuts. You’re way too fast to be a professional couch potato! But hey, that’s ok. We’re here to fix all that, so let’s go.

Step # 1: Unplug your phones- turn off your cell phones and pagers!

This is priority # 1 if you want to do any serious relaxing. You can’t have the boss calling, pesky parents checking in, boyfriends or girlfriends asking you to come over and do this or that(including getting busy)!! That would severely inhibit your groove. In the couch that is!

Step # 2: Get rid of all personal relationships!

This is a must, as a spouse would expect you to do things around the house or spend time with them. If you have kids, put them up for adoption, give them to a relative or call me(I have the number to a black market buyer for cheap child labor)! Of course, I’m just kidding.

Step # 3: Quit your job!

Yes, I said quit your job. You can’t very well maximize your relaxation if you have to get up, leave the house and go work for the man!! So tomorrow, walk right into your bosses office, look him right in the eye and say, “Meh!” Then turn around and walk out! Or if you really want to step up your couch potato game, don’t do anything. You don’t owe them anything anyway right? And they’ll mail your last check. Plus you probably already have direct deposit so you don’t have to go to the bank! Yeah, you know I’m right!

Step # 4: Use half of your remaining money to set up automated get rich quick schemes on the web!

You have to have some way to make money! This is the only way to sustain your dent in the couch cushion unless you are rich already. Just go online and find a reputable scam artist to take care of it all for you and there you go. All taken care of.

Step # 5: Gather the tools of the trade!

This part is up to you. You know what makes you happy. Maybe it is playing the latest games on your PSP. So you might download them from the net. Maybe you love watching television or movies or listening to music. All downloadable from the net as well. Invest in a comfortable place to plant your behind. Make sure it is what you want because you are going to spend most of your time here. Invest in a small fridge that you can keep next to you. Find a good delivery service to bring your groceries to you. I don’t know what you like, but you do, so whatever it is, get it all together!

Step # 6: Set up your utilities on auto-pay!

This is important! You can’t do anything if your electricity gets cut. You will want to take a shower once in a while, and no matter how big your bladder is, you will have to go to the bathroom eventually. And you want to keep the temperature at optimal levels. Otherwise you will want to stop what you are doing. Essentially, this will further minimize your time off the couch!

Step # 7: Double check that you have done all six previous steps!

This step just makes absolutely sure that you have completed everything. You don’t want to settle into a marathon couch potato session only to find that some forgotten item has slipped past your sight and now you have to stop and get up to handle it.

So there you have it! Seven steps to becoming a professional couch potato. If you have done all these, congratulations!! You have successfully cut off all access to the outside world and joined millions of other nerds worldwide. Enjoy!!
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